Fuck the fear

Fuck you fear

Fear rules me to my core
It drives my every move
Every decision
I even fear the decisions I make
It permeates through me
And oozes from my pores
It drives my successes and is behind all my failures

Fear drives all emotional responses
Makes me do things I wouldn’t do
Fills me with suspicion, pain and anxiety
Stops me from speaking, sharing or confiding
Fear of letting down
Fear of disappointing
Fear of loss
Actions born of this fear
Resonates in the most painful fear of all
Fear drives me forward and astray
I want love to be pure and carefree
Yet this fear boils up within me
I need to set me free
Let what be, be what is
Let what is just be free
I need to kick it out, evict this poison eating me
How can I be free with this poison devouring me?

All of these actions, all of these feelings
Don’t own me
They have taken control
They are at the wheel
Steering me in all the wrong directions
Sabotaging such good things
Fear blinds me and puts my body in motion
Begins the wheels turning filling with emotion
There I am below
Huddled a mess
Beaten and subdued
I am getting up and fighting back
Against you.
Fear

I can no longer allow you to rule
To take control and drive me on through
Push aside you poisonous fool
I am claiming back my life
Again I will be pure and true
I will fear not that which you tell me to
I will stand up and stand proud
With everything to loose
Here I am world take me as I am
I am fighting to be strong
Breaking through this fear
Reclaiming my life
The life full of laughter, sunshine and love
The life pure and simple
No longer fogged with mud
My fear can leave the same way it came
Quiet and sneaky
For I refuse to allow it to stay here
And break me.

Christmas Holidays

Normally I would say Christmas sucks. Shocked? Don't be. I have worked in the retail industry since I was 16 years old. Once I experienced my first Christmas in retail all my fantastic ideals of Christmas were shattered. A time of peace, well being and prosperity? I think not. Customers will not hesitate to rip a minimum wage sales clerk a new you know what if the establishment you work in has the NERVE to have run out of an advertised item. You know it is the 16 year old making $6.85 an hour that is directly responsible for you not getting your child the new "it" toy of the season. People are grumpy and pushy and just plain rude during this festive season. They want what they want and yesterday. Forget the kid that has been slaving for 14 days straight and over 90 hours, just to try to keep up with the shoppers who cant possibly find the time to put the merchandise back on the shelf where they found it. Nope in hurried times like these the floor will work just as well! And how dare that child even think there might be time in the customers busy schedule to utter a thank you for all the help they just provided. Not to mention by the time Christmas comes around you have spend 8+ hours a day 7 days a week since October listening to the same 8 song loop of Christmas music. By the time Christmas day rolls around and the public is kind enough to allow you to have a day off too, you are so tired and sick of Christmas and all its cheer all you want to do is sleep the day away. The last thing you want is to hear that 8 song loop of Christmas music at home. Bahhh Humbug.

The good news is my retail Christmas rein is now over. I am now working for an elevator company taking emergency calls, which means my Holidays can actually be holidays. Finally after 12 years I can sit back and enjoy a LITTLE Christmas music without tearing my hair out. For the first time in over a decade I was able to make plans (besides working) for the holidays. This year we were fortunate enough to spend the holidays in a beautiful Lakeside Chalet, hours curled up infront of a 4ft by 6ft fireplace, with good friends. It was quiet and I didnt get yelled at once. This year I couldnt care less if little Johnny is getting his Guitar Hero III for Christmas. No longer do I have to feel guilty for personally reuining some little kids Christmas wish. NO more merchandising then remerchandising the Christmas department 1000 times in a week. No more rushing, crying, screeming angry customers. Ahhhh aint life grand?

I think I will start a new holiday tradition. I think I will get as far away from the hustle of the city, avoid all of the shopping establishments and make sure where ever my girl and I end up for the holidays we can enjoy a nice glass of wine infront of a fireplace. What a glorious Christmas this one turned out to be. There is nothing better than spending the holidays curled up with the one you love, hands, feet and heart warm and comfortable.

I hope if anyone reads this you will remember next Christmas that those poor unfortunate souls slaving away in the retail store you are shopping in are tired, stressed and already sick of Christmas. And you will treat them with dignaty and respect, that you will put the items you deside not to buy back on the shelf where they belong and please please take the one second it takes to say thank you. It makes all the difference.